My Eating Disorder Journey Pt 1

I just want to be like everyone else I just want to be normal I just want to enjoy this experience like everyone else is and enjoy a good time hi welcome to my channel and welcome to part one of my eating disorder story and before I get started I just want to let you guys know that I try and all my videos to stay away from anything that would be triggering I stay away from numbers but with that said I know everyone is different and if you are feeling triggered at any time feel free to stop the video and just have some compassion for yourself and know where you are at right now. I also wanted to just say that I am NOT a doctor a dietitian therapist and this is just my experience through my journey and so I’m not here to offer advice I’m just going to share and let you into a part of my world. So, from the beginning I come from a wonderful family two amazing parents two older sisters a younger brother so I was the middle child you know the perfectionist definitely the people pleaser and I kind of always have that personality and as far as eating from the beginning even as a toddler I was really picky and I was underweight and the doctor started getting concerned about toddler preschool age because I was still underweight and still really picky not eating much they tried giving me appetite increaser pills and it didn’t really work finally they just told my mom you know everyone’s different she might just be a picky eater forever or maybe it’ll change she might um you know be underweight or maybe that’ll change too but right now we’ll just make sure that she stays healthy and you know we’re not gonna worry about it too much so that’s kind of where things ended with that and you know as far as my memories of food I remember it just always being kind of in the way like I didn’t really um you know as far as meals I was a really slow eater so I just wanted to go and you know do other things I had things to do even as a preschooler and I remember my older siblings would finished lunch or whatever and they would go off and play and I just wanted to go play with them so I just remember eating got got in the way of life and it just seemed to in my mind be kind of a negative thing a lot of the times about all the times but I do remember it you know just getting in the way. I do have a memory when I was about five years old I think and we were at a pizza place for a family function and I remember you know there was a lot of people there we have a big family and and aunts uncles and cousins and I remember being there and thinking I just want to be like everyone else I just want to be normal I just want to enjoy this experience like everyone else is and enjoy a good time so I remember looking around and everyone else was you know grabbing slices of pizza and I didn’t really have any desire to be eating this pizza so I thought well ok the normal thing to do is to grab a slice of pizza so I grabbed a slice of pizza and I put it my plate and then when I noticed anyone else grabbing a slice of pizza I would take that slice that’s on my plate and I would throw it underneath the table. And again, there were a lot of people there so every time somebody grabbed a slice of pizza I was throwing a untouched uneaten slice of pizza under the table and grabbing another slice of pizza slice after slice So, I just remember thinking you know this feels normal I’m grabbing slices of pizza I’m not letting this hold me back. I was young but it just at that moment I felt normal to me and I was trying I was really trying to enjoy this experience like everyone else looked like they were My parents remember the experience as well and they just every time they looked at my plate I had a different slice of pizza and they would go and you know socialize and come their eyes would follow my plate again and there I was with a different slice of pizza they were thinking wow you know she must actually be hungry that’s great they didn’t think much of it just was like wow that’s the most they see me but you know they went on and they didn’t think much of it the end of the night they didn’t notice something underneath the table and so they looked

and they saw just a whole pile of untouched slices of pizza and they were like oh that’s what’s going on and they got a laugh out of it and now that I’m older knowing that from their point of view what happened I just think it you know it’s hilarious but on the other hand I I was a problem solver I want didn’t really feel like eating but I figured out how to get around that and still be able to enjoy that experience as a family so that’s just you know one story that I remember you know being younger and being around food so going into school, kindergarten I went to a really small tiny private Christian school and my family had all gone to that school like including my dad and all his siblings were eight siblings all together and they had all gone there so I’m going into a school that is really familiar and people knew know who I am so I was a shy kid so I didn’t really have to I feel like, you know, do much. It was just really comfortable and it felt safe there and yeah it was great. In fact, I had two cousins that were my same age that were in my same class so again a small school a small class and I still even had family members that were there with me that I had grown up with so it was really nice. I went there first, second, third grade as well and just a great environment and I really enjoyed it there. At the end of third grade the economy was not so great and it a really affected our family. So, because of that my mom who was just, I mean she was a stay-at-home mom, not just to stay at home she mom she was an amazing mom still is and she stayed home with us and just therefore everything for us she just loved being with us and she was that mom that everyone wanted to be their mom she just so sweet so kind so caring so compassionate and it is always really obvious when you’re around my mom that you’re cared for and you’re loved no matter who you are. So when the economy wasn’t so great my mom had to go from being what all I’ve known her was a stay-at-home mom to being working full-time. She had to get a full-time job She didn’t want to but it was necessary and I come also from a family that’s has a really high work ethic so it wasn’t that she didn’t want to work she just wanted to be with us and wanted that time with us so going from that, for me having my mom always around – now she’s gone a lot. She’s working, it was really hard and not only that, having four kids in a private school of course is expensive so we all transition to public schools. So the next year going to fourth grade I was nine and it was my first time ever going into a public school. I don’t know what it was before you know going to that school I remember being teased a lot about being skinny and thin I didn’t really bother me that much but when kids were saying it to be mean, yeah bothered me but otherwise it was just kind of like well that’s who I was and it wasn’t like a good or bad. It was just a fact. So going into the public school I remember just there was just a lot of changes so for me it impacted my life it might not have impacted others that much but for my temperament and the perfectionist who I was I’m going into environment that I don’t know anyone so walking to that school was like a flip switched in my brain and I it’s like I forgot that I was like the skinny kid like that I even got teased for it all of a sudden my whole view of myself completely changed and I saw myself very differently I saw myself as big as being fat. I just… I wanted to be in a different body. I wanted to change myself. So it was like my mission to start losing weight so I started eating less and I started by cutting breakfast out and that was just my thing. I’m not gonna eat breakfast. It’ll get me to my goal faster of being thin. So then these voices in my head were already really loud I didn’t really understand it all but all I knew is I didn’t feel like I even had a choice. I felt like I just needed to be eating less. I felt like I needed to be doing whatever I could to be changing my body. I didn’t like my

body and I remember my mom’s magazines She’d have like four or five at a time and I just remember at the front of the covers they all had these big promises of weight loss and it was “turn to this page and you’ll find out how to lose weight” and all of them have the same thing. You’re gonna eat less and you’re gonna exercise more. A lot of them had very specific instructions like do this many pushups this many situps this many jumping jacks. So after school I would do all of that. I would do whatever the magazine told me to do or magazines time I knew I would combine them all and I would be working out as soon as I got home from school. That was my first priority. Then it started turning into “well if this many push-ups sit-ups and jumping jacks or whatever it was is going to help me lose weight then I should be doubling it or tripling it”. I’m nine years old and come home after school and this is my priority before homework before hanging out with friends before anything else was to work out to exercise so you know on top of that, I always liked seeing how I can be eating less. I already was not eating breakfast and then I had some rules as well about lunch. My lunch, my mom made sure that it was really specific to my rules so that I would eat it because if it wasn’t I wouldn’t eat it, I would throw the entire lunch away. I won’t go into specifics but it is a very tiny amount and a very specific type of food that I would want in my lunch. I didn’t know anything about calories or things like that but I already had food rules. If she packed what my rules were then I would usually eat it but sometimes I just, I don’t know why… it just told me – my my voice in my head/my eating disorder voice told me, “don’t eat. Today you’re not going to eat lunch”. I would throw my lunch away. I’d still work out. That was not… it was non-negotiable. I had to work out when I got home. Then going to dinner, like on the weekends when my mom was home and my dad, dinners weren’t so hard but I remember during the week when my mom and dad were at work my mom would have things prepared and prepped in the fridge and my older siblings who were in high school they would warm it up, prepare dinner and put it on the table All four of us siblings would eat together – my two sisters and my younger brother and myself.I don’t know why but it just was like I didn’t have a choice. I it was like I couldn’t eat. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t know why Part of it, of course, was to change my body but also a lot of it was just to get the control. I wanted the control. I remember my sister I would battle a lot over this because she is a real follower and she just wanted to do what she was told to do which was put food on the table, make sure we all ate but I wouldn’t eat. She had a hard time with that and I was young and she was young and I feel really bad because it definitely wasn’t her fault She was trying to do what she was supposed to do and I was just trying to get control anyway I could out of this new life. …What? “I need to go to rehearsal”… Okay Hi! I’m back. Sorry about that. My oldest son was coming in to tell me that I needed to take him to rehearsal and of course that comes first. I was able to drop him off and come back before I need to pick him up again. So let’s see where was I, just my fourth grade year and my desire to have control so with all of that, I remember the first time I ever passed out. Being nine, I wasn’t really sure what it was. I was in the shower and I remember taking a shower and just thinking I kind of felt weird. The next thing I knew I was on the floor of the bathtub and my head hurt, my knee hurt, my shoulder hurt, elbow. I wasn’t quite sure what happened. All I knew is I thought that I had just fallen… like I fell in the shower. At one point I was up taking a shower, it felt weird. The next moment I realized I was on the floor with the shower still running. I wasn’t quite sure what happened but I was like well that’s weird I just fell. I don’t really

remember the actual falling but I just I remember hurting. Especially my head. I kind of just finished my shower and got out. I didn’t really know what to think of it. I was nine I didn’t know how to put two and together that not eating enough is going to make you pass out. I didn’t even know what it was to pass out. So that’s what happened. I woke up the next morning and I had some bruises My clothes covered it and I had a big welt like a big baseball sized bump on my head and it was like black and blue. I was really embarrassed about it thinking um how am I gonna cover this up. This looks ugly. I had bangs and so I remember making my bangs so that it covered the bruise and I was thinking that’s great. I don’t have to be embarrassed by it. I didn’t really think to tell my parents about all of this because I just thought I fell…whatever. Then it started just happening a lot, like almost every time I took a shower. I kind of just thought I was just falling. Somehow I figured out that that was passing out. I’m not quite sure how. I don’t really remember. I kind of figured out “oh I’m passing out” but not even thinking “well, why am i passing out? This isn’t normal.” But the problem solver that I was was like “okay, this is happening. What do I need to do?” The way I took my showers changed. If I felt a little weird I could always tell when it was coming on. I would immediately sit down in the shower. So if I was standing up and I started feeling dizzy and things were getting black I would sit down in the shower and just finish my shower sitting down. Sometimes I still would pass out but at least I would be on the the floor and I could just kind of let myself lay back. I would never be passed out for very long I don’t think? I got used to taking my showers with half of it it would be standing up and the other half would be sitting down in the bathtub with the shower running on top. That’s how I took my showers then. There were a lot of changes that year and one change was that I changed the way I took showers. I guess it’s good that I found a safe way to get around it but it wasn’t good that it was happening. So that continued I also remember like thinking “when am I going to lose weight?” “when am I going to look thinner?” “When is this gonna happen?” I was getting really impatient and I kept working harder. I remember when I was talking to my friends. I think in fourth grade definitely girls start comparing bodies and talking about your body and it was more of a topic of discussion I remember some of my friends who I thought were really thin thinking when my gonna be as thin as them. Then talking about we’re talking about when you go – we were all in the bathroom you know cuz girls go to the bathroom together They were like “oh man when you sit on the toilet you know how your legs just look really big!” You know – the way when you’re sitting and going potty um… and I was like “oh yeah I know it looks horrible”. I remember thinking about this all the time but here’s actually the topic comes up and my friends are like “what? no! you? there’s no way that you’re legs could look big! you’re so skinny!” I was thinking “what are they talking about?” I thought maybe they were even like making the fun of the fact that I wasn’t skinny. I don’t know. Things just didn’t make sense to me. Their logic was completely out the window, but for my friends to be talking about being thin and I was trying to tell them I wasn’t and it it was just an odd conversation The other thing in fourth grade that I really remember, again – this is the year that everything kind of just like started. It was like a switch that just went off and all my behaviors changed. By the end of the school year, I would say it was like almost summertime, I was always the tall kid I come from a very tall family so all my school… do they still do this? Where they line you up by height? Like when you’re lined up in lines and it would be the shortest in the front and the tallest in the back? I was always in the back and I was a tall kid and I was fine with that. I kind of liked being tall. By the end of fourth grade I remember our teacher lined us up and she put me in the front and I thought this is really weird. Why is she putting the tall kids in the front? Then I thought well why is she putting me in the front? remember looking back and realizing that everyone else was taller than me. That year I didn’t grow but all the other kids did and they passed me up. I went from the tallest

kid to the smallest kid, the shortest kid I remember thinking that’s weird I am the smallest now. I remember thinking oh this is kind of fun I don’t know what it’s like to be the shortest I’ve always been the tallest . It’s almost like okay well let me try this out. I don’t get it, but back then I didn’t realize it was from not eating enough and my body just didn’t… I didn’t allow it to grow. That was kind of the end of fourth grade and that was the beginning really of my eating disorder. This was part one and if you made it this far in the video – thank you! And I would really appreciate it if you would subscribe, like this video and comment. Please ask questions. I would love to hear from you! Let me know what you would want to hear in one of the other parts. it’s going to be more than two parts. I’m guessing three or four parts. I have some different chapters of my eating disorder it’s morphed and I would love to share that with you and I would love to know what kinds of things that you might want to know about from someone who is now a mom and a wife a business owner, I’m a musician, I have kids that are going every which way. what does all that looks like? It’s a hard juggle but I hope to make it all happen while I’m still recovering. That’s kind of the trick is still staying in recovery with everything else going around me.So, that’s the start of my story and I would love to hear from you and I will you in part two!