-How do you feel? – I need a smoke Alright Here we are Five joyful lads Heading to Europe with two cars Destination: Chernobyl and the site of alumina plant accident in Hungary On the road for twelve days 5700 kilometers to cover Spirits are high! PART 1: BALTIC AND POLAND – We turned to this pedestrian street – This doesn’t look like one Tell them we’re lost All is lost – We’re lost, all is lost The moment we landed in Estonia our cars got separated by other vehicles – Did you take a right at the Scandic Palace? – Repeat We missed a turn and ended up going in circles – So, we lost sight of the other car and they have our only GPS – – Maybe they could tow us – Why? – So we don’t get lost again – It’d keep us close No cars between us We called them they were at a train station X and we at station Y we decided to meet at the other station and Jimi and Niko got us food from McDonald’s Earlier – There’s biscuits in the back if you’re hungry – Yeah, I could eat something – Should we have some biscuits and then hit the road? – I guess there’s a McDonald’s around here After lunch we found local public restrooms with murky lighting and high culture on the walls Oh yeah, before lunch we had a bit of a blunder our bumper had come loose – Luckily we have extra time for mistakes. We need it One way street There must be something wrong with the car Fortunately our bumper was still with us – That doesn’t sound right – Help me with this Help me with this! Pietari snapped it back in place in no time and we were good to go – So, we’re finally on the Via Baltica – Indeed – Straight road forever! – That border control building is quite modern and elegant – Yeah Absolutely – Good thing they had someone to check not just anybody crosses the border Somewhere in Latvia we stopped by the sea We checked by phone with the Namej Camping site that they’re still open when we get there By the end of the day we were at Namej Camping site in Latvia We had dinner and admired the local giant spiders Nameji Codes Pag camping site was possibly our favorite camping site during the trip Full five stars They had electricity, shelter and proper bathrooms
– I wouldn’t mind some space Just a bit more Day two Basically we just drove straight on through Latvia and Lithuania to Poland And still no one checked our passports I paid 100€ for my passport for what? For that rotten shack? Border of Poland Same thing with nicer buildings Better than the Lithuanian border with that rotten hut Highlight of the day was at the border of Poland, there was a nice shop with really cheap cigarettes, booze and candy and everything else That’s about it Ask if they’re okay with our bright headlights We ain’t even behind them anymore “What brights?” We reached our destionation for the day a camping site U Michala It’s owner was a german speaking old lady The camping site was ok, although to me, it felt a bit like somebodys backyard All in all toilets were good and we had everything we needed – Still sleeping Should we start cooking? *incomprehensible mumbling* Right 10.8 The intended goal of the day was camping site Graf Marina – No need to visit Chernobyl anymore, we found a similar place already Are we there already? – This place was still operational this year This place is ridiculous There’s holes in the doors Looks like someone’s been wrecking the place – A whole bunch of them – Someone was trapped here too – Look Would you dare to climb up there? – Oh there’s some sort of Opening to the attic – The owners must be there – The reception is there This place… Let’s go somewhere else Let’s check the beach or something And get the hell out of here Even this ground It’s like walking in a swamp with grass on it No one lives here anymore for sure – Were there any pictures of Graf Marina online? – No way – It was rated 6/10 – I bet that was a misspelling – Maybe it was supposed to be 666 – That may be so Dude, what the hell What is this place? “Camping site” This gets you a 6/10 rating on the eurocampings.net site – Six out of ten Six out of ten! I bet it’s for peace and quiet We’ve got company!
I wonder if they’re the owners Propably just more disappointed travelers They turned out to be a british couple and they were as confused of the situation as we To our surprise, they had stayed at the same camping site that was our next goal in Kiev They told us that Prolisok was reserved for Israeli tourists but they were allowed to camp on the parking lot They gave us coordinates for the GPS Apparently, the GPS knew little of Ukraine Ain’t that something On the same evening we moved closer to the border to a camping site called “Duet” The host was a funny guy When asked if he speaks English, he replied “Fifty-fifty.” They had wifi which allowed Jimi and Nikke to update our GPS Because you can’t take two of the same food product into Ukraine Destroy the evidence By eating them I’ve got a lot of medicine to take And many cigarettes to smoke Carton of cigarettes tonight – And that bottle of cut brandy – Oh yeah, that one – Looking delicious already, almost done Should we add some water? Nah it’s fine – Let’s add some biscuits in there – Yeah, that’d add some substance to the mix – Yeah right, that’d make a pretty hefty supper – Well? – The line is long as hell Behind that corner there’s double the length we see behind us – Did you see the border station? – There’s some god damn playhouse as always – If there was no EU, every border crossing would be like this – Yep Indeed It’s a bit funny you could just drive through all the other borders Don’t forget to eat those biscuits – So we get rid of them – At least finish that one bag – I’m not eating a single biscuit anymore Are we still moving? – That guy has emergency flasher on – Quite so In these countries you can use it to just attract attention – Oh, like “we’re moving” or something – Something like that for example In Finland – – These people should all be killed Straight to the *honk* and *honk* they can cut in the line there all they want Does this honking have a point? “honk honk honk” – Are they still moving ahead? – Like “You got a problem? Get moving!” – Another one coming We should’ve taken a baseball bat with us Some nazi chocolate to end this speech Yeah right Even this tastes good
Did you film that? That’s it Good one Now I seem like a racist “Seem” This might have turned me into one That’s how it is It took us nearly 13 hours to cross the Ukrainian border First we hoped we could make it in less than four hours But after a couple of hours, some crooked Polish border officers sent the leading car to tax-free, past the line None of us sitting in the first car understood the language Pietari shouted from the second car in russian: “We’re traveling together.” Behold! The Ukrainian border sucking a whole lot of people in We waited two hours to get directed to this “tax-free” as you can see There’s plenty of stuff for sale For example Not a thing! They don’t even accept credit card Now we have to get back in the line, and do it all again I can’t even get a soda I’m pissed Like hell Well well. Look what we have here Satisfied tax-free customers – So damn satisfied – More customers to the tax-free Or maybe not Now we’re getting closer to the borderline Unless they make us go to the tax-free again, and we have to start all over again I think we’re going to get through the border this time instead That’s the plan If we don’t make it, we’ll all be majorly pissed, not just me – Okay, here we are After eight hours of waiting Almost at the customs How do you feel now? – God help us All that waiting after the failed attempt – Tax-free, never again? – Never ever to the tax-free again! This place left a bad taste in my mouth No offence The Polish side border inspection was pretty uneventful The officers checked all the usual things, vehicle licenses, passports, trunk and the engine number, and let us through On the Ukrainian side, our first car got through with just a few stamps, but things weren’t so easy with the van I can’t remember all the details, but we had to run around a lot lots of papers, and they all had to be stamped – Well yeah it took you three hours and fifty minutes so – Yeah! – No doubt you might have already forgot something – It seems so that the people in here are nice when you try to speak to them in russian, but the system is flawed Now that that’s over with, we’ll head for Kiev – So that in the morning we can start sleeping there – It says on the sign 598 kilometers – Not that much all in all Seven hours of driving or so Soon it became evident that a proper place to sleep was needed We looked for a truck stop but then we found a better solution: We would spend the night in a hotel Hotel Status It cost around 130€ for five people for the night Unfortunately, there was only one normal room and one super-deluxe room available We slept well despite our tight schedule We had a long drive ahead of us the next day We also had to buy a Kievstar prepaid, and had no idea where to acquire one – Does this suffice for the director?
– I can sleep there We woke up at 8:30 am, too early We took our time to depart We had a special hotel breakfast Including: pancakes, sandwiches, marmalade and vegetables And some took also coffee Hotel Status lives up to its name Hotel Status has clean towels, soap, running water, toilets And all the other luxuries you can’t take for granted in Ukraine Hotel Status has it all Highly recommended – There it goes And more coming From both sides – I feel like a hamburger I got a question: Why are they on our side of the road? – What the -? – Umm Two vehicles coming on our other lane even though they have their own lane over there – What in the -? The other line is right there – Yeah right there’s a whole bunch of them coming – Looks like every ***** from the neighbourhood has gotten this idea That there’s only one lane here – He almost didn’t make it – Good thing they aren’t cutting close or anything Clearly that car has a blown tire or something It looks like as if It smoked like hell – Yep – Here comes – Ouch! – This is getting interesting – Yeah – Yeah just completely ignore the left side! He looked straight ahead – Look it’s that Hyundai! – It’s that same damn car – Uhum. That guy made a nice move – He knows the game I’m sure he’ll run into some kind of an obstacle Yeah there’ll be those concrete barriers on his way I hope it was worth it – Look, someone got through – We’ll hear sirens soon – From a Lada speeding after them I’m guessing the milita got some juiced up ladas He stopped – Did they stop him? It’s time for a ticket – They got him He is in the bag, so to say – They’re exchanging some papers Look! Next one is coming He stopped too – There wasn’t much to argue about – This guy looks pretty hardcore – People going the other way got it tight They’re propably changing the print on the billboard – Yeah that’ll hold it – There’s a bucket already hanging in there – That’s the way to avoid occupational accidents We got a bit of a jam here – Indeed Oh that one in front of us left Now he is over there He’s using the forest lane Did you see that? – What? – He drove on the side of the road – Oh you’re right You just wait for your own turn – Even the truck has to give some way We’ve got a bottleneck here There was nothing here to cause it – Yep It’s their fault who used the other lane back there Now they’re pushing back in Pietari was the one to inquire about how to get into Chernobyl He mailed the Ukrainian embassy a year before the trip We faxed our applications a month before the trip A week before our trip the applications still remained unanswered We asked the embassy about it The fax that we sent to Chernobylintelinform must have gotten lost, so we sent it again to another address We got a reply from the embassy on 3.8
“All is set. You can start packing.” Yuliana and her family helped us during the whole trip They arranged us a car, driver and a guide to the zone When we had already hit the road, Pietari got an email The agency that we first contacted had received our fax after all 9.8. Poland – Basically our fax got through twice, to almost the same place Perhaps to a different desk in the same agency We have booked the trip twice – So whad does that mean? – I have no idea He simply says “good luck” – Do you think that “congatualtions” was sarcastic? – Maybe so “Congratulations on a job well done.” – And “good luck” in the end Allright, we’ll soon run out of straight road Prepare to make some turns Maybe I should put my camera away so the locals don’t see a car with a camera heading to the camping site We got lost in Kiev due to a navigation error A friendly bus driver guided us on to the right track, and we even got the GPS working again The destination of the day, Prolisok camping site, was reserved for Israeli people They didn’t allow anyone else to use the showers The police and security guards watched over the perimeter and they allowed only one person at a time to the reception We paid 12€ for a spot on a parking lot next to a chained barking dog for two nights Yuliana’s grandpa contacted us through english-speaking Natalya and he didn’t like the idea of us sleeping in a car and he had found us a cheap hotel for 100€ a night At first, we refused the offer for monetary reasons but then we realized our batteries were low and we could use proper rest We called Natalya that we would accept the offer after all Yulianas grandpa booked the hotel for us Yuliana’s parents escorted us from Prolisok to the hotel When we stopped to refuel, Pietari showed our bunk beds to Yuliana’s father He simply stated: “Vietnam.” PART 3: CHERNOBYL We took off from our Hotel at 8 am and it was raining hard Pietari managed to inform our driver in russian that we needed raincoats – No raincoats there Let’s move on We had to visit two shops until we found some On our way to the first checkpoint, our driver told us that we just passed a village that had been demolished because of Chernobyl We arrived at Dytyatky checkpoint ahead of schedule Pietari got up and tried to reach our guide by phone After many disconnected calls he managed to get his number The guide told that he’d be there at 11:20 am, or perhaps a little later – Should we give him some candy too? – What’s that?
– Thank you – It’s a very Finnish – – Sweet? I get it Around 11:45 am our guide appeared and we entered the zone First we had to agree that we will be exposed to radiaiton, and we wouldn’t sue Chernobylintel- inform if our equipment broke After Dytyatky we stopped to have a look at the sign of Chernobyl We found out that the zone is not as deserted as one would imagine There’s lights on upstairs Yeah, that’s still being used There goes the illusion Apparently we should’ve made a reservation for the canteen We visited a local shop to buy some biscuits and yoghurt Rain kept pounding on – Looks like it has been put there on purpose – I bet – Of course, we didn’t follow that piece of advice, and went our separate ways the moment it was possible – Should we go that way? – Only you have rubber boots – Mine are leaking – How do you feel now?
– Confused It sucks that it had to rain so much today We came up a long way for this – That’s not very much at all – Yeah It was 3,3 by the car Check if your zipper is radiated – Look how nice the paint is, all scratched up Gee-whiz! This is some nice footage We’ll have to stay here forever I don’t know It’s a rotten building Isn’t it ironic that a swimming pool has water damage? A moldy swimming pool. Yippee! This place at night would be great The guide told us the japanese robots that were used to clean Chernobyl weren’t up to the task But then they used soviet robots, that were up to it They were humans – So, where are we now? PART: 4 – We are in Romania Just kidding we’re in Hungary Somewhere close to the border – We’re in Ukraine Oh yeah in Ukraine – We just got out of Kiev some 20 minutes ago And now we are heading for Ukraine’s western border
We have over 900 kilometers to go A lot of driving, as usual – Our wiper is not working This one does work, this one is just flopping about Some expert may know better, but I think something is broken There’s your problem A loose ball socket Maybe I can pop it back in place – Try adding some speed – Let’s hope that works, so we can avoid all the hassle – 180 kilometers to the border The view doesn’t change, it just keeps raining I’m getting a bit numb Nothing special We’ll see We’re slowly getting closer to the border Nobody knows how long it’ll take to get into Hungary Were supposed to make it to the camping site to rest for the next day – Hey why didn’t we go to motel Bikini? Because it smells like shit in here! You’d better name the place like that to get any visitors – It’s read “Viking” – “Viking” is “bikini” in the local language Here we go Old trick Doesn’t smell like shit anymore It smells like burning shit Let’s open the window a bit Fresh smell of shit back in the car Now we have the odor of fresh burnt shit in here – There’s a chicken on the road – Damn you chicken! – One of them went the wrong way She needs to catch a bus, just look at her That’s not a place for a cow She can’t use a bus, she’s a cow! She can’t even pay That’s a nice lawn to mow Very steep No hassle Did I mention it’ll cost you 20 million to use this song? It’s getting late – That’s a nice thing to know three o’clock in the morning We succesfully crossed the Ukrainian border, no problem We got through in less than an hour We decided to drive straight to our cabin in Hungary 143 kilometers to Budapest We’re almost at the finishing line I’m so pumped up with stimulants and coffeine – We’re trying to keep eyes open and heading for our next stop Once we get there we’ll figure out if we go to bed or drive some more Screw that we’ll go to bed We arrived at the cabin sometime during the early hours Unfortunately, the caretaker had the keys, so we had to sleep another night in the car ♪Life doesn’t always go right ♪ ♪And sometimes you get your ass kicked ♪ ♪Maybe you should give up already ♪ The caretaker showed us around the following morning
We decided to visit Budapest, to see it in all of its glory – This is horrible The shops were full with interesting merchandise, but closing time was around the corner And I missed my chance to get an 8-bit nintendo for under 20 euros The next morning Pietari and Niko made a trip to Ajka We read about the Ajka aluminium factory accident in 2010 The caustic waste reservoir of the factory leaked nearly million tons of of toxic sludge Although the accident didn’t receive all that much media coverage, the pictures of mud-covered villages got stuck in our heads – Okay, we can’t go there – Let’s leave The accident was still under investigation, and no one was allowed nor willing to tell us anything We couldn’t get an interview on the site It was already two years after the accident, it’s damage could still be seen We are now here at Kolontar in Hungary, where in 4th of October 2010 the accidental leakage occured This building was left here to show the devastation of the accident Judging from these marks, a 170cm tall person like me, would have been fully covered in super goo standing next to this wall – Here we are at Jimi’s cabin in Hungary Pretty nice place We have proper beds and we can eat real food No noodles It might be due to the lack of sleep and – – Lack of sleep? You woke up at 4 pm! – You shut up! This was the only day I could really sleep well enough Yeah, you had some catching to do Yeah If you usually sleep twelve days an hour and then get stuffed with you mental midgets in that wagon of death to sleep damn japanese capsule hotel Just like that one guy said, “Vietnam” The moment he saw that thing, he was like “Vietnam” It’s like some kind of a Vietnamese torture method I might as well have myself a biscuit There’s only 40 600 of them left A rare delicacy It’s interesting that we haven’t discovered any new ways to enjoy these biscuits Like, stomping them in the ground before eating them Bake them in the oven They’ll get – Even more dry They’ll be more dry but hot – If you try to say something 17.8 The journey back home began And we arrive into Slovenia! – Into Slovakia! – Into Slovakia – Slovakia But it says “Slovensko” They can’t even spell here Full of energy we headed for Auschwitz We were so excited that we accidentally
drove through the Czech Republic So, we arrived here in the Czech Republic It was not our plan, but here we are anyway Propably the GPS decided on this route We thought it was just a gas station, suddenly there’s a sign: “Welcome to Česká republika!” That’s where we are – The road is nice It sounds exactly like there’s something Yeah, we’re driving a dead animal stuck on our wheel – It was just the road We spent only an hour in Auschwitz The place made us so uneasy that we couldn’t stay any longer – Watch out, the road is bad Our destination was Kowalewo camping site, but we couldn’t find it – So we are in Warsaw now? – Warsaw – This is a typical situation again It’s the middle of the night and we are in the middle of nowhere – If we had bought those road maps, we would have an exact location – Yeah No use squealing over pooped poop – There’s a doorbell Should we use it? – Oh. I see – This is way better than Graf Marina – Yeah, not a single zombie graffiti here – Indeed That may be the main difference – And hardly any zombies – That may be the main difference – Otherwise completely identical – No zombies at all Apart from these five – This note is in finnish – Really? Every cloud has a silver lining – Yeah – If we had found that Kovalevy it might have been worse than this place – Yeah and it doesn’t sound all that tempting “Kovalevy” (hard drive in finnish) Finally we can go to sleep! I’m not sure if I should be happy or sad Because we have to sleep in that The others Everybody else Clean cars Everything is so neat Yes And us Tell us a little something Today, according to GPS around 6 hours of driving In reality, 10 Right My guess is we get there before midnight To the next camping site And when do we change it? Just before we get there? – What? – I mean that the camping site will be changed at some point Or do we change it only after we discover it doesn’t exist? It does exist, we have been there before It’s Nameji Codes Pag – Our first camping site? – Indeed We’re going there – We’re returning there – My driver’s license expires today so I can’t drive tomorrow
– It’s up to the others from there on – We’re hanging tight – We’ve done fine A while ago a Lithuanian police officer pulled us over and kindly notified us that because this vehicle is class N1 we must have a sticker for it In the window. And we bought one He could have given us a 280€ fine waiting for me back home He was such a good guy that he didn’t give us the ticket he told us to buy the sticker at the next gas station Not bad – Our last breakfast in the field Spam Oh, and noodles Noodles and spam – We are out of beans -Is this that grill you talked about? – No – This is just frying – Oh it’s just frying – How could have we grilled without a grill? – We have that little charcoal grill – You mean your stove? Please leave some for me Because I really want noodles and spam Even if it sounds weird It does taste surprisingly good, though This is the bathroom A very fine bathroom You can also wash and dry your clothes 3€ each And what would a bathroom be without A tomato stand Here you can buy them Tomatoes And if you want to buy raspberry jam, that’ll be 3€ That was the bathroom Cheap Ukrainian gasoline! – A jerry can full of gas that you can’t use because of the nozzle – Don’t we have a funnel in the trunk or something? I guess I don’t need to finish drinking that Yeah, let’s make a mess Nothing matters anymore, can I kick the car? Let’s brake the car! Let’s pour some water in the tank Soda water This is just water Like it matters if we got regular water or soda water in the tank “This is regular water, it’s okay!” There we go This looks just how we do things 19.8 We arrived in Tallinn on time, just after five o’clock We observed a fireworks display celebrating the re-establishment of Estonian independence, and we walked around the harbor markets We used the toilets in the terminal And back to you, Kari Lumikero Our correspondent in Tallinn – Good evening I look out of the suite’s window, and I see the boys in the bathroom They return to the cars, and the Nikos head to a bar, Nikke and Jimi kill time surfing the web, and Pietari takes a stroll in the neighbourhood Everyone returned to the cars, and we entered the line among the firsts For once we were quick about something This is Kari Lumikero, my greetings from Tallinn I thank you We entered the ship only 10 min before it’s departure Before that we discussed the M/S Estonia incident
We anxiously wondering if the same could happen again 20.8 We arrived in Finland at – Should we do the real take now?