The Tonight Show: At Home Edition (Trevor Noah, DJ D-Nice)

-Go ♪♪ Hi, everyone Welcome to “The Tonight Show: At Home Edition.” I want to thank Franny and Winnie for being the music Thank you guys so much Gary the dog is here We’re all good Alright, that’s good That’s perfect. That’s great Thank you. That’s perfect Winnie drew this Thank you very much, Winnie This is beautiful We have a great show tonight We have — Trevor Noah is on the show tonight Doing amazing stuff over at “The Daily Show.” Also, DJ D-Nice did a dance party on Instagram that everyone was talking about So I interview D-Nice and find out all the good things he’s been up to But first, let’s just start the show with some jokes Let’s go Hi, guys Before we get into our monologue, which is hot off the presses — ow! — I want to say thank you so much for watching this show Thank you, youtube.com YouTube has been great airing these shows so so many people can see it early And, also, if you go to youtube.com/fallontonight, if you’re there right now or if you’re watching this on NBC, who also we thank, next to our link, there’s a “donate” button That will go to nokidhungry.org So, that’s the way you can donate to that, and anything can help Speaking of helping, I was thinking about this, and if there’s any way — Your local food pantry — Google where that is “Where is my local food pantry?” They all need help Right now, out where I am, East Hampton Food Pantry is desperate for anything on the shelves So if you go stocking up, wherever you are, just get an extra can of soup and drop it off to — What? -Or a case of soup -Or a case of — Yeah, well, if you can get a case of soup I guess people are buying things by the cases Go to Costco and get, like, a pallet of soup and drop one can off to the — Is that what you’re saying, honey? Off to the food pantry So — But anything you can, really, think about — That’d be great if you could It’s weird times right now I’m standing in front of an odd tree I don’t even know where I am in the house, but it’s there, and I’m not going to talk about it But I see true colors of people are coming out, and everyone’s being very creative now And it’s kind of a heartwarming thing to see There’s also the other side of people, too, because I was walking my dog the other day with my camera operator, who’s my wife And I don’t walk like this What was I doing? So, I was walking normally And everyone crossing the street because it’s socially distancing, which is great But just because you’re doing that doesn’t mean you don’t have to smile or wave You can do that You don’t have to not be a person You can be like, “Hello.” You know, you can do that, can’t you? Can you say “Hello”? You can do that “Hey, good to see you.” I mean, we’re far enough away We really are Like, I’d say more than 6 feet 12 feet Anyway, I’m really seeing everyone being creative on the Internet and everything, and so let’s get to some monologue jokes right now And then, after that, by the way, we’ll do — We’re doing our interviews, but we also have kind of a “best of” is what we’re doing Best of the “The Tonight Show” this whole week and as long as we have to do this So, these are clips that make you happy and maybe, like, just kind of get that balance back in life So, you’ll see Bradley Cooper, Emma Stone What?! Yes! It’s awesome Alright, here we go Here he is, Jimmy Fallon! [ Imitates cheering ] Thank you very much Welcome to “The Tonight Show.” Oh, I forgot My sister gave me a joke Gloria Fallon, I’ll give you props for this She said, “Hey, guys, a lot of us have entered our second week of quarantine and hopefully have enough food, water, and skin left on your hands…from washing -Good one -I know. Now here we go Welcome to “The Tonight Show,” everybody, “At Home Edition.” I hope everyone is doing okay I had a tough weekend The governor of New York declared me the definition of nonessential Why you do me like that? Well, it’s week two of self-quarantine, and we’re all feeling cooped up Today, my Amazon Alexa asked to give me — sorry — asked me to give it some space “Please back 6 feet off me.” As if things aren’t crazy enough, now the weather is insane, as temperatures have dropped in half It’s like the weather caught whatever the stock market has Honestly, who cares about the weather, right? We’re all inside anyway I was watching the news today, and the weather guy turned to the sports guy and was like, “Why are we even here?” [ Laughs ] Why are we even here? To deafening silence Listen to this, guys I saw that Audible is now offering free audiobooks for kids stuck at home So if Disney+ didn’t hold your kids’ attention, I’m sure Ben Stein reading “War and Peace” will do the trick I heard that Best Buy announced that they’re now offering curbside service with no human contact When they heard, Best Buy’s Geek Squad was like, “What’s human contact?” This is cool One of our guests tonight, DJ D-Nice,

hosted a social-distancing dance party on Instagram Live That’s right — a social-distancing dance party, or as it’s also known, every middle-school dance I read that since the increase in toilet-paper shortages, people have been buying more bidets Yeah, it can act as a great substitute for toilet paper and, if you’re really desperate, a soda stream [ Laughs ] I learned about an online toilet-paper — I don’t know Why is that funny? I read about — Oh, I heard about an online toilet-paper calculator that tells you how long your supply will last So if you think you’re bored, imagine being the guy who just created an online toilet-paper calculator [ Laughs ] This is crazy I saw that Germany has now banned gatherings of more than two people Yep, a two-person gathering or, as it’s known in Russia, a 40th high-school reunion [ Russian accent ] We only ones who make it Our classmates were the foundation of this school…literally They’re in the foundation They’re in the cement somewhere [ Normal voice ] And, finally, this is amazing I read that the movie “Pretty Woman” hit theaters 30 years ago today Do you remember that? Not “Pretty Woman.” I mean going to a movie theater That’s our monologue, everybody What?! -Whoo-hoo! -Now it’s time to do a bit that we normally do on the show where I play a cowboy character who’s kind of ignorant and just tells it like it is, and he tells things to go on and git We’re going to use a teleprompter thing, an app that I got I don’t know if it’s going to work or not, so just bear with us Here is “Go On, Git.” Hey, guys It’s time for “Go On, Git.” Is this Grandpa Juvonen’s hat? -Dad -It’s your dad’s hat -Mm-hmm -So, this is an actual, real cowboy’s hat -Definitely -And I put my cowboy boots on that I got a couple years ago, and it took me about an hour to put them on And I think I’m just gonna have to leave them on all week Alright, here we go That’s our teleprompter thing that we’re using right now, and we’ll see if it works Alright, it’s time for “Go –” Oh, here we go It can be hard to say goodbye, but sometimes, you have to And there are a few things I’d like to say goodbye to right now It’s time for “Go On –” It’s not working It’s time for “Go On –” Here we go It can be hard to say goodbye, but sometimes, you have to And there are a few things I like to say goodbye to right now It’s time for “Go On, Git.” ♪♪ Go on, git, every single company sending e-mails about what they’re doing to “deal” with coronavirus Don’t get me wrong I’m glad everyone’s being careful at the Sacramento Holiday Inn Express I went to one time on a road trip in 2006, but I didn’t need an e-mail telling me about the complimentary mini-muffin bar will be closed until further notice Now, go on, git to the spam folder ♪♪ Go on, git, insanely cheap plane tickets Oh, really? Flights to Miami are $17? You don’t say You know damn well that it’s irresponsible to take a nonessential flight right now Then again, $17 to Miami I mean, the Cuban sandwiches there are — No! I turn my back on you, temptation Git! ♪♪ Go on, git, organic peanut butter You ain’t nothing but a dang swimming pool of oil I got to stir you around, stir you, and stir you around Git ♪♪ Go on, git, seasonal allergies Read the ding-dang room This is not the right time for you to be showing up Usually, you’re a minor annoyance, but now one sneeze, and my family is changing into hazmat suits and making me sleep in the dang-dung basement So go on, git, seasonal allergies and take pet dander with you ♪♪ Go on, git, spam phone calls, calling me from my own dang number I know it’s probably a scam, but I can’t take the chance and not pick up What if it’s me from the future, and I need help because I’m trapped in a basement? How long have I been in there? Don’t worry, future me I’m coming for you…unless it is a spam number Then why don’t you go on, git Alright, everybody That’s been “Go On, Git.” Hopefully you enjoyed it

We’ll be right back with more “Tonight Show.” ♪♪ -Is this thing working? -[ Laughs ] -Oh, what’s up, Jimmy Fallon? Do you want me to turn my screen sideways, as well? I can do that -Ooh -Does that work for you? -Yeah, definitely works for me, man What are you doing it on, a laptop, or you got an iPad? -I’ve got an iPhone, man I’m in San Francisco That’s where I am [ Laughs ] -This does — Are you really in — You shouldn’t be outside You’re on lockdown -Oh, man. What’s going on? Are we starting yet? When are we starting? -This could be starting right now It’s so good to see your face, man How are you dealing? Where are you right now? -I’m actually at home Don’t get disappointed Hold on I’m gonna try to show you — I’ve never used this before I’m trying to find — Hold on I can — “None.” So, yeah, I’m actually at home I’m sorry -Ah, beautiful -Are you in, like, a cabin? Where is this place? Have you been kidnapped? -No, no, no. I’m totally — This is home I’m in like kind of a — It’s like a guest room, but it looks like a cabin type of room -Who are your guests? Hunters? [ Both laugh ] -Dude, this has all changed since the quarantine started This was just a normal room, and now I’ve become, like, a hunter-gatherer type of thing -Right This is like you preparing for the new world post-the coronavirus apocalypse -Oh, dude, I’m making weapons out of tripods and everything I don’t know what — How are you handling the social distancing and the self-quarantining and all that? -I’m not gonna lie to you, Jimmy I haven’t noticed any difference in my life I am genuinely — I’m not even trying to be funny here Some people are gonna say this is a joke There’s no jokes Like, I have experienced no change in my world So, my whole life I’ve been an indoor kid, right? I love playing outside, but I was like the — My mom had to chase me out of the house to go and play with other kids, ’cause I was like, I wanted to be at home I wanted to play video games, and I wanted to watch TV I don’t go outside I don’t need to go outside Like, people always — You know how people will be like, “But it’s such a beautiful day Why don’t you go outside?” No. I don’t care -Really? You like being inside? -I don’t like being inside I love being inside I live inside. That’s me So I — Like, my life hasn’t changed other than the stress of what’s happening in the world Like, just — ’cause I feel for what’s happening I’m worried about what’s gonna happen in the world for people economically You know, I think on a health level, we’re probably gonna get this thing under control But I worry about the effects for the — just every economy in the world and how that affects the poorest people first That’s the thing that stresses me out But, like, for me, I’m not even gonna lie to you and say I have been stressed in any way I am completely fine I also started intermittent fasting just before coronavirus started, so I — I don’t eat — ’cause I realized I don’t need to eat I realized someone tricked me into believing that I need three meals or five meals a day or something like that So now I eat — I don’t eat for 18 hours in a day, and then I’ll eat for, like, the rest of the — But I eat like a few things, and then I’m done My mom does the same thing -I started that like two weeks ago, and then when this happened, I stocked up on so much food that I — I’ve never eaten more in my life I’ve never eaten more food, because I don’t want it to go to waste, and I go, “You’re not gonna to finish that? You can’t waste it. This is — We need it now more than ever.” And I just — I’m eating like six — six meals a day -No, my friend. No, I’ve done the complete opposite, ’cause my thing is I didn’t buy — I didn’t buy a bunch of stuff Like, I think — I get why people were panicking, but you know what it is? Living in New York has taught me not to panic because people panic every year When they say, like, there’s gonna be a blizzard, then people rush out And I’ve noticed people — Maybe this is an American thing People don’t know what to buy in an emergency -[ Laughs ] -That’s what I’ve noticed -I totally agree, because you’ve seen it or because you’ve done it? -No, because I’ve seen it -Yeah -Like, when people say there’s gonna be a blizzard in New York, and they say it’s gonna be like 12 inches of snow, and we might not be able to go anywhere, I’ve seen people buy — Like, they rush out, and all the bread is gone Bread is the worst thing to buy for a disaster Like, bread is — it’s — There’s mold -It doesn’t last -It doesn’t last -No, I agree -And then, like now with coronavirus, people are buying toilet paper like coronavirus is going to make you just go on a rampage in the bathroom or something You don’t need that much toilet paper -Yeah, it’s a lot of toilet paper talk My friend bought four giant things of canola oil, and I go, “Wow Do you plan on deep frying? I mean, what’s — what’s happening in your quarantine?” [ Both laugh ] It’s — they go, “I don’t know I just bought it ’cause it was there.” -I realized, you know what it is? The problem with coronavirus is that it’s invisible, ’cause if coronavirus was zombies, we wouldn’t be acting like this -[ Laughs ] Yeah -Like, if coronavirus

was actual zombies walking through the streets, no one would be like, “I’ll take my chances.” -Yeah. No, exactly They would be locking their door 10 times And — yeah, you’re right So, yeah, that’s a good idea Pretend there are zombies out there Is it — Is it — I know Comedy Central is now airing your show on Comedy Central, which is awesome, ’cause a lot of people don’t have the Internet or don’t understand it, like people like I would say my dad So he’s so happy to have my show on TV He’s like, “Finally I can watch.” Is it odd telling jokes with no laughter? -Yeah, it’s very weird, because I’ve — one of the first things I did was work as a stand-up comedian That’s been my career for, what, going on 14, 15 years now So it’s — I’ve never told jokes — I’ve never just told jokes to myself That’s like the first sign of madness in my opinion So I’ve never stood in front of the mirror and been like, “You see what happened today?” I’ve never done that So it’s weird -I used to practice — I used to practice my stand-up There was a piece of brick wall in my apartment where I lived in L.A., and I had a mic stand, and I stood in front of the brick wall -Are you serious? -And used to do acts in my bedroom by myself, my whole routine -That is — So you’re made for this, then -Yeah, this is — Finally, this is my — I finally found my medium -You’re the corona king You’re the corona king No, like, it’s weird It’s weird doing the show without an audience, because I think it’s always a reminder — After like every joke or every moment, it’s always a reminder of the time we’re living through You know? So — -Yeah -The thing I’m trying to do is I’m trying to inform my audience I’m trying to stay informed I still don’t believe anybody should be watching news 24 hours a day, because the truth is news has to tell you news So they’re gonna find bad things to tell you for 24 hours to make the thing continue -That’s correct -But I don’t think it’s healthy So for me, I go, hey, I know a lot of people watch my show because they just want to catch up on essential news, and then they want to carry on living their lives And I — I’m honored that people would have me provide that So that’s what I do I work with my team Everyone’s at home We make the show It’s weird because you just say a thing, and then nothing happens Like, this is great right now This is like — -You get a little back and forth, exactly -Yeah -I’m loving this, yeah It’s good that you’re doing this and making a lot of people — You know, again, the severity of what’s happening, but also it provides a little bit of balance So thank you -Yeah, because I think that’s the thing is we have to remember the balance We’re not staying at home because everyone’s gonna die We’re doing this preemptively We’re trying to prevent a disaster from happening, and so we have to do the boring thing Prevention is always boring -Yeah -You know what I mean? -That’s not the part of the zombie movie you like -Exactly. Exactly Nobody — Like, in the beginning of a zombie movie, there’s always the doctor who’s like, “We need to quarantine everybody There’s something spreading.” And they’re like, “Shut up, Klaus!” -[ Laughs ] -You know what I mean? -Yeah, he’s not anyone’s favorite character -Yeah. And then when the zombie outbreak happens, then he’s like, “I tried to warn everybody.” -Yeah, and then they — and he gets attacked -Exactly. Yeah. “Aah.” -Yeah The charity that we’re mentioning tonight is No Kid Hungry -Yes -Why this charity? -Well, here’s the thing There are millions of kids in America who get their food from school There are millions of kids in America who might get one of their only nutritious meals at school And in closing the schools, which I understand was necessary for many people, we also have to acknowledge how many children now no longer have access to that one meal or that one nutritious meal that they were having every day And I think it’s really important for us, especially in this moment in time, to try and support those in our communities who are the most affected by this — people who don’t earn a lot of money, people who are low-income This is all throughout the country, you know, from Idaho to New York, from California through to Kentucky and Delaware There are people — The people who are gonna get affected first and the most are people who have the lowest incomes, people who don’t earn the most, people who live from paycheck to paycheck So for me, you know, feeding kids is something you take for granted I know what it was like to grow up in a home where we didn’t have food all the time I know what it was like to go for two or three nights not eating, and I don’t think any kid should ever have to go through that So for me, you know, I think whatever we can contribute — and it’s — a little — you know, a lot of a little makes a lot And so for me, it’s everyone just chipping in and saying, “Hey, we’ll help We’ll help feed these kids Let’s keep the kids fed.” Think about their parents, who are oftentimes working in the industries that we need them to stay in right now People who don’t earn minimum wage or maybe just earn minimum wage, working in grocery stores that you need to stay open, working in pharmacies that you need to stay open, working in all of these places you need to stay open to survive They also have kids Their kids might have been getting food from their schools

So for me, I think everyone, if possible, whatever you can give I know not everybody can, but everyone who can give, try and give a little -Whatever you can give Even a dollar, anything is just — Everything matters So please, right now, they would love it Trevor, you’re the best for doing this, buddy Thank you for doing your show, but thank you for doing my show And keep up and keep people balanced, please Thank you so much for everything you’re doing, buddy -Thank you, Jimmy Thank you so much And I’m gonna send the police to your house, ’cause I think someone’s buried in the basement If I look at that room, and the FBI told me that they found someone in that house, I’d be like, “How did nobody know someone was in that house?” -This is — This is like — is it like “Misery”? Thanks so much, bud I appreciate this -I’m heading back to San Francisco now So, enjoy being stuck in your house -Wow, you got there fast -Say hi to Gavin for me -You enjoy yourself in your house, Jimmy Fallon -Bye, buddy. Bye, buddy Thank you, thank you, thank you -Alright, cool ♪♪ -Yo -What’s up, man? -Yo, come on! -[ Laughs ] Ah, man -What did do you? What did you do? Oh, my gosh -Man, man. Life, man I just wanted to do something good for people, and it turned into something really good So unexpected -It was really good I loved it so much D-Nice, it’s an honor Thank you so much for doing this I appreciate you doing “The Tonight Show” at-home edition What you’re doing is exactly what we need You’re bringing people up You’re lifting people’s spirits I got an e-mail from a friend that said, “Do you see what D-Nice is doing right now?” And I was like, “What?” And they’re like, “He’s deejaying for like nine hours This dance party thing,” and I go, “What?” So I went to your live Instagram, and when I was there, it was already — I mean, first of all, how did it come about? Let’s start there -It started — I was sitting here at home, you know, just — I was alone and, you know, I wanted to just play music for my friends and I had a small Instagram following, you know, and I wanted to play it for, like, my friends, you know, and create an Instagram live, and I was deejaying, and it was just like people, you know, from the music industry You know, Questlove would pop in Black Thought — actually Black Thought was the one that was like, “Yo, you should just play some music, D. Let’s do it.” And it was a small group of like 200 people, and then it turned — the next day it was 2,000 people Then the day after that it was 12,000 people And then Friday was the one where it was, like, “Wow, there’s 25,000 people in here.” Then all of a sudden J. Lo popped in and I was like, “Wait, J. Lo’s in here?” And then 10 minutes later, Drake was in there and I was like, “Wow.” -Oh, this is a party -“This could be something.” And then Saturday was — you know, I mean, it was like 100,000 people -Oh, my goodness! That’s when I checked it out It was 100,000 It was like — I was like, “This is so much fun.” When I was there, Kamala Harris jumped in Buju Banton was there -Yes [ Laughs ] -It was like the craziest mix of people coming together -Joe Biden You know, Michelle Obama was there Janet Jackson was there -Ellen DeGeneres Were you nervous knowing that Michelle Obama was in there? -I was. I was nervous and even though I deejayed for them, I played, you know, the second to the last party at the White House and did the inaugural ball, there was something about, like, in that setting where I’m, like, really at home Like, this is my kitchen -Wow -I’m deejaying in my kitchen, and something that I was doing in my kitchen was able to touch the world Like, it was just beautiful It was beautiful -It really was a great thing I loved it so much #clubquarantine is what everyone was calling it And it was the number-one worldwide trend -Wow [ Laughs ] -It was just — Did you, like, get nervous when the numbers started going up and you kept seeing all those hearts flying around, like — -I saw the hearts flying around, and I wasn’t nervous because I was — my core friends that we started this with were still in there So it was the average person Then there was Kelly Rowland, and it was — but Kelly — they had been there and they were, like, cheering it on, like, oh, my gosh, because we had never maxed 25,000 It was like let’s see if we can get it to 30,000 Oh, my gosh, we’re at 30,000, and it just kept climbing When it reached like — it was 98,000 people, and then all of a sudden, Mark Zuckerberg logged in, and we were like, “Wait, Mark, what are you doing here? Please don’t shut us off Let us get to 100,000.” And he posted — he posted “You got this,” and as soon as it hit 100,000, everyone just went crazy I was in here like, oh, my gosh, like — -I mean, it’s — I mean, ’cause as a deejay, you feed off the crowd, right? -Yes -But you have no crowd in your kitchen Did you still get the same type of excitement or more? -I received the same type of excitement, but it’s — actually I would say more. You know why? Because when you’re feeding off of the crowd, you’re trying to play for the crowd

I’m watching body languages, and I’m trying to get them — I want them to hear what they want 100,000 people were in that live to hear what I wanted to play, like, and I was able to play from my heart I love music, so I was able to play — stop the music and play Kenny Rogers You would never hear Kenny Rogers in a hip-hop club So I was able to just do what I love, and it was beautiful to experience -What’s next? Are there gonna be more dance parties? What’s next? -Man, I have one on Wednesday I’m trying to do them maybe like every other day Not every day the way I was doing it I didn’t expect it to become this, but, you know, just give people a break and allow them to be more excited about it and, look, it’s just been a beautiful thing I want to continue As long as we’re doing this, as long as we’re quarantined, at least do my part, which is through entertainment to touch people, to bring people together -Exactly right, and that’s what you’re doing, and I can’t even tell you So Wednesday night, what time should we tune in? -3:00 p.m. Pacific time, 6:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time I’m just going to go in, like, after work, people get to hear music and dance together -It’s on Instagram Follow @dnice, one word -Yes -And it was so enjoyable and I can’t tell you how happy I was I was yelling at you through my phone like, “Yes, go!” It was so great. I loved it You made so many people happy I can’t even tell you, like, how it’s — to go worldwide like that, you got to be proud, and thank you for doing what you’re doing It was so cool -Thank you I appreciate you, man I appreciate you -I’m a big fan. Bye, buddy Thank you -Bye, buddy. Peace -Thank you guys so much for watching Nokidhungry.org Please, go donate Give what you can Guys, wash your hands Don’t touch your face And I can’t wait to see you tomorrow Thank you so much for watching our show Go, Win Go, Fran Here I come! -Boo!