Look, I’m very rich It’s true. I am very rich There’ll be no punchline Just stating – I’m very rich I’m not one of those performers who say: “I need the warmth of your hears!” Go fuck yourselves. No You paid for the tickets, you can go home now I’ll send you the link to this concert on Youtube You’ll watch it and do your favorite thing – write comments “We’ll comment on everything!” I hate the people who post comments online Fucking hate them Are there any of them in the audience? Obviously. Of course You’ll post them later, won’t you? “Yeah, I post comments, so what?” I don’t know You should know that with every comment you post a little part of your soul dies, all right? When you die you won’t go to Heaven because you’ll have wasted your whole soul on comments This is what your Hell is gonna look like: you’re sitting in the cauldron, in the boiling oil, there’s a billion of videos around you, and the comments are turned off for each one of them. All right? For every single video Anyway, I’m very rich, it’s true. I mean, not as rich as Timati’s videos, right? But not as poor as Pasha Volya’s monologues Okay. Are there rich people in the audience? Okay, okay, first row, that’s a joke for the provinces, all right? You are not a part of this And don’t complain, like: “What a jerk, joking around, earning big money, while the doctors in the country earn 20 000 rubles!” That’s why I’m not a doctor I used to earn 20 000 rubles I didn’t like it Are you a doctor? No. Are you? No Maybe you’re a doctor? No. See? No doctors in the first row Is there a doctor in the audience? ‘Cause what if I die now, and no one will help me? If there are doctors here, tell your colleagues: it’s not my fault! In fact, in fact, if you wanna know, I help doctors I do. Whenever I am sick, I go to the doctor Even though I have a direct access to the “Battle of psychics”, okay? But I’ll leave this till the last minute when I go fucking nuts Moreover, my aunt is a doctor It’s true, she lives in Kazan She’s a doctor I’ve paid for her mortgage recently See? I helped one doctor Unlike some, I comply with Putin’s May edict Although it was meant for wealthier people I was thinking, my family is a miniature country. Seriously We’ve got a doctor, a pensioner, a young family with a mortgage, you know? A country where I’m the president So if Navalny makes a movie about me, I’ll splash zelenka* (* brilliant green Russian antiseptic) in his eye, too ‘Cause he’s a fucking faggot Okay, just a sec This is not for the sake of being rude, I just really love to think that this phrase was said in the Kremlin On a Tuesday. “Fucking faggot!” And Peskov goes: “Just say it like that?” Okay, just to make you feel better: I’m the richest man within my family It’s the truth I’ve recently gathered all my relatives in my mind, counted all their possessions – they’re fucked Royally fucked. My mom told me the other day: “Your aunt who lives in the village bought a cow.” I said: “Mom, she’s still fucked If you want to, we can go to the market tomorrow and I’ll buy you a cow piece by piece.” So I’m rich and I use it My mom lives in the Moscow region, because I’m rich And my brother, his wife and their two kids live with her, because I’m the rich one, not him And I use that. Every time I go to the countryside for the weekend, I call them, you know, ten minutes before I arrive I call them and say: “Pink.” And they greet me in pink That’s how it is for the rich people And then, like in the movie “The red guelder-rose” I put on a terrycloth robe and follow the path of rose petals to lunch While I’m having lunch, they are all stood in the closet with their heads down ‘Cause you can’t look when a rich man is eating And at some point I go: “The soup is cold!”, and they finish it
Because I’m rich, I can sleep with my brother’s wife Hold your judgement, it’s fine, I pay them for it Okay I need to make something clear None of that is true. All right? If there are people in the audience going: … “I’ve heard that they are fucked up in Moscow… but apparently they’re fucking sick in the region!” None of that is true My mom does live in the Moscow region, next to a small town called Istra She’s got a small cottage and about 6 acres of land That’s cool, only agronomists are laughing 6 acres – that’s a lot, guys, a fucking lot You know, some rich guys go: “I’ve got a pond in my backyard!” My mom’s got Istra in her backyard And she hired actors, like in “The Truman show”, and they all hang out there And mom is like: “What a nice town! Everything’s free!” My brother’s wife doesn’t really like that one joke You know which one I’m talking about, right? Definitely not the one about pink clothes “You fucker, are you saying we’ve got no style?” She came to one of my live performance, she heard that joke and went: “Ruslan, are you insane, don’t use that joke!” I say: “Why?” She says: “Don’t use it! ” I say: “It’s a funny joke!” She says: “Nobody laughs at it!” And I say: “That’s the beauty of it!” Seriously, we had an argument over it She was like: “Cut that joke out! ” And I said: “Okay then give me the money back!” That’s also untrue, it’s all a lie Okay, well, I understand her I understand why. She comes from a small provincial town Bobrov where she met my brother, they got married, now they live in Moscow… And she goes home for the summer If people in Bobrov hear that joke on tv, they’ll go nuts! You know? Because people in provinces are like: “It’s true! It’s true! It’s on tv, so it’s the truth! The Internet is full of lies, but tv tells the truth! Oh God, what is going on?” You know, it’s a big problem of the Russian people, a big problem – they have no sense of humor And the further from Moscow, the worse the sense of humor gets Have you ever noticed that, the further you go from Moscow, the more the humor gets based on the phrase: “We’ll kick their asses! Yes we will. We’ll kick America’s ass Ukraine’s ass. And your ass, too! We won’t kick up teachers’ salaries, but we’ll kick your ass!” I don’t know I had a show on TNT called “Comedian in the city”, to hell with it… Seriously, I got so much hate for it I went to 14 Russian cities and I realized that people from provinces have some kind of a Stockholm syndrome in terms of government They realize how bad everything in their cities is, but if a comedian from Moscow says it… It’s weird, you come to Saratov or something, and you say: “Yeah, your city is kinda shit.” And they go: “It’s fine! It’s fine! It’s a fine city! And outside of the city is even better! It’s a good city! Ahh! Ohh! Awww!” And you’re thinking: “Why the fuck did the mayor come to my concert? What does he want?” So I understand my brother’s wife, I really do I used to joke about Bobrov in my shows, and people didn’t get it Because my show was based on my outrage at the fact that I don’t understand how one can live in the same town their whole life In the same small provincial town Not seeing the world. Can you imagine? There are people who spent their whole lives in Lower Bityugi And they haven’t even been to Upper Bityugi And it’s just across the river You know? I don’t know. I encouraged people to go away, go somewhere, to at least try And they didn’t get me Although I was talking about young people, you know? Because for the people over 40, Bobrov is a great town They’re like: “It’s fine. We’ve got a river It snows in the Winter Kar-Man is coming on City Day
Amazing place. Right?” And I agree with them, I do But I don’t understand how you can have that mindset when you’re 20 How can you be 20 and think: “We’ve got a river It snows in the Winter If I’m lucky, I’ll fuck someone on City Day If I’m not lucky, I’ll fuck someone from the band Kar-Man.” Although, maybe I’m wrong Remember the Summer protests in Moscow? When the government said there were allegedly a lot of non-residents Can you imagine? What if people actually tried that? Got on the trains all together, came to Moscow, got off on a station, saw a big crowd and said: “Wow, do they have Kar Man concerts everyday here?” Can you imagine? Then they’d go to Tverskaya, and the National Guard would attack them with clubs: bam, bam, bam! And say: “Moscow is not made of rubber!” Clubs are made of rubber, Moscow is not I don’t know I’m sure my brother’s wife is not insulted, ‘cause she’s got a sense of humor In fact, I think a comedian can joke about anything Seriously It’s our goal to make jokes about anything As long as it’s funny If it’s not funny, yes, there can be issues But if it is funny, you can pick any subject Basically, a comedian is an indicator of the society You see, thanks to comedians you realize what kind of people you are Look, I can make the worst joke ever, pick the most insulting topic, and if you laugh, then you have a sense of humor And if you don’t laugh – congratulations You are a good person You see? Everyone benefits Cool. That’s how it works We can make various jokes, and it doesn’t mean we’re good or bad, mean or kind, dirty or intelligent. No We are comedians, we must make jokes And it helps you realize what kind of humor works for you. That’s all I’ll give you an example It’s a textbook story It’ll explain what I mean First of all I have to say, it’s completely fictional A completely fictional story Just for laughs So picture a family. A wonderful family: father, mother, son and daughter A great family, everything is well Straight from a mortgage ad, you know You know? Why do people in mortgage ads always smile? As if they don’t have a mortgage and their name is Rottenbergs A family like this A father who wears sweaters like this He smiles, he’s got all the teeth Which is weird, because he’s got a wife and two kids I don’t know, all my friends who have kids don’t have their fucking teeth It’s true, I noticed that And I noticed that the number of teeth you lack is the same as the number of your children So here’s a new philosophy for the catchphrase: ”Ladies, stare into your men’s mouths.” You know? ‘Cause if you have two kids, and he lacks three teeth… So possible it’s not fishing that he does on the weekends Anyway, a great family, like in a mayo commercial Did you see that? A family that has breakfast for two fucking hours Fuckers Taking two hours to eat, in a modern world? Does anyone spend two hours on breakfast? Yes, that family. With the mother making sandwiches and dancing around And the daughter that goes: “Mommy why does the sun shine? ” – “Oh, I’m gonna explain it to you right now We’ve got two whole hours for that.” Two hours. I’m not saying my job is hard, but even I wake up precisely 15 minutes before I have to leave All right? Because I wanna fucking sleep in the morning But these 15 minutes are enough for me to pee, wash my face and fuck off to work That’s it. You know? Sometimes I wake up 5 minutes before leaving and pee in the elevator Everyone’s like: “Some punks did it!” It were not punks It was a man who has a job And he just wanted to sleep Anyway, a great family Father, son, mother and daughter The only thing is: the daughter is the sexiest woman in the world The sexiest one. Imagine the sexiest woman – this one is a thousand times better She’s only 14, she’s a Lolita, pure perfection. So this is the thing Whoever looks at her gets a boner. That’s it Everyone gets a boner So does her brother They still sleep in the same bedroom ‘Cause they could only afford a mortgage for a two-bedroom flat And the brother is also handsome, it runs in the family Like sister, like brother. And they even have sexual chemistry with each other But they know the society is against it, it disapproves of such things, so, alas, they have to suffer
Several years pass, the girl turns 18 It’s her birthday, they’re celebrating at home, the whole family is in the kitchen Father, mother, son, daughter A celebration. A cake Everyone is joyful, except for the brother Because he’s like: “Now everyone is allowed but me.” But at some point the father says: “My girl. We’ve been waiting for this day to tell you, because now you’re an adult So you can decide how to react to this The thing is, you’re not our biological daughter. We adopted you.” Suddenly there’s a slight tension in the room. For everyone but the brother For him the party is just starting So they digest this information for a while, and then the parents say: “Okay, you kids keep celebrating, we’re going to bed, don’t stay up too late.” They leave. The brother and the sister are almost making out at this point But suddenly the father comes in and says: “By the way. If you’re planning on having sex, it’s not gonna work You’re not our biological son either You actually are brother and sister, we adopted both of you.” Here’s what I think First of all, dad, that wasn’t cool You gave them something and took it away immediately And second, the brother is cockblocked again But the father isn’t I thought it would be great if this story was about my brother’s family His wife is already googling: “Novichok agent.” “I just can’t get a break.” I keep waiting for Malakhov’s people to hear this story, you know? I think they’ll go mad They’d be like: “Hello, Ruslan?” – “Yes.” – “You told a story about a brother fucking his sister. ” – “They weren’t fucking.” – “Doesn’t matter Can you give us their contacts?” – “It’s a made-up story.” – “We know You can give us made-up contacts.” It’s weird how when a comedian tells this story, people say it’s too dirty But if they see the same thing on a talk show… They go: “Fuck, what a Tuesday! Yum! Let’s suffer Let’s call the kids. Look at that!” Let’s make something else clear You can joke about children. Okay? You can make jokes about children Especially if you don’t have them Even if you do, you still can Children are funny too There’s the administration director in our project Oksana. She told me a funny story Her younger daughter is 5 years old And this Summer she sent her to a sanatorium in Belarus with her grandma So the grandma and the girl are on vacation there And they have creative events every night So one of those nights her daughter was singing a song Together with another little girl And they sent her a video And Oksana said, in this video there’s her daughter and that girl, singing a song Oksana’s daughter is a wonderful singer Really great, she’s all like: “Yeah, baby! This is cool!” And the second girl is terrible She’s off tune, doesn’t know the lyrics, she’s just completely off She’s singing so badly that at some point during the song a tutor comes up and takes the mike from her Yeah? And Oksana said: “I had mixed feelings about this On the one hand, I was incredibly proud of my daughter But on the other hand, I can’t even imagine the trauma the second girl was subjected to.” And I replied: “It’s okay, she’ll recover She’s in a fucking sanatorium.” Okay, listen, I am single Really, I am single Yeah I used to think it’s called “a bachelor”… No, fuck that, I’m single. I lost this war Well I said it for you. You like that I go: “I’m single”, and everyone is like: “Oh yes, yes!” No, I’m fine with it Because I’m rich and single Are there married people in the audience? In the first row? Are you married? Awesome Look. I’m sure my life is the same as yours Are you happy? Yes. So am I I’m happy too. Did you go anywhere this Summer? Yes. So did I! Where did you go? To America? I went to Portugal. Cool How much money did you spend? You thought it wasn’t a setup?
There’s your wife How much money did you spend? A lot? A lot. But on the two of you And I spent a lot on myself All of it, on myself Moreover, when you get divorced, she’s gonna take half of your fortune You see? She’ll leave and take half of it When a woman leaves me, I lose no more than 600 rubles for the taxi I broke up with many women in my life They left, and all my stuff is still with me In fact, I took some stuff from them As they all said, the best years of their lives… You know? It’s the society that doesn’t like single people The society says: “Get married. Get married You’re 40, get married asap! Get married!” Like fucking junkies, right? They got hooked on something, and now they want everyone to do the same “Get married! Get married! Get married!” I don’t do that. I don’t I don’t approach people and go: “How long have you been married? Four years? Are you ever going to get divorced? You’ve been married for four years and still haven’t divorced her? You look 40, come on, it’s time What, are you going to live the rest of your life in compromise?” “Get married! Get married! Children! Children! When are you gonna have children? You need to have children You’re a good guy, you’ll make good children.” I don’t know. Children Why do I need children? I don’t want them. Maybe one day “When? When?” – “Soon, in 5 years.” – “At 45? They’ll be 10, you’ll be 55! They’ll be 15, you’ll die!” Well, good then! I won’t live to see them disappoint me! It’s a win-win situation all around! “Get married! Get married! Have children!” And there’s this fucking Basta “Your children, and the voices of their children…” I’ve been saying this for a long time Happiness is not about having a family, a wife and kids The most important thing is to just be happy Just be happy. I mean, if you want to get married – get married You want kids – have kids Want to be single – be single Just be happy I don’t know. You’ll piss me off and I’ll fuck you up so hard I’ll get married in a couple of years, I’ll have children I’ll live till 80. You see, I’ll basically be just as happy as you are But I’ll have lived for myself for 40 fucking years of my life I like my life. It’s true I’m being honest. I like my life Yes, of course I have hardships, I’m not denying that Especially in the Winter The Winter is coming… ‘Cause Winter is the time for two Yeah? Single people in the audience will agree – Winter is not tolerant towards single people. At all Winter is the time for two Especially when it’s snowing, it’s -5, and there are always those two people who’ve been in love for 15 minutes And they’re like: “Put on the scarf! ” – “No, you put it on!” – “No, you!” – “No, you!” – “No, you!” Makes you wanna say: “Just buy one more fucking scarf! Idiots!” Or they come to the park, do a shot of mulled wine and go: “Ah! Snow! It’s us!” And everyone looks at them like: “Mmm they are so in love!” I like snow, too. I love snow But I can’t come to the park and be like: “Ah! It’s me!” And everyone says: “They are so in love! And this one is fucking crazy! Went fucking nuts.” I’ve recently bought an apartment A big one. A big apartment. Thank you I’ll do everything to make you love me as a rich man by the end of the concert But yeah, I bought a big apartment, because I’m rich And I also just couldn’t bare being in my old one Seriously, I used to live in a one-bedroom apartment, and I started going mad there It’s terrible, wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. Look I bought a one-bedroom apartment in Moscow 7 years ago And I made a fatal mistake for a single man I made a studio out of it. You know? I hired a designer who was like: “We’ll demolish everything here! Everything! All the walls We’ll expand the space. It’ll be a studio!” It was stupid, because there was only one wall that was 20 cm long Expand the space? I’d understand it if we’d teared down the wall to the next apartment That, I’d understand You come in, and they’re like: “What are you doing here?” – “We’re expanding the space!”
It’s stupid. So I had a studio Just a big square They also gave me a mirror the size of the wall And I couldn’t even hide from myself in my own apartment Wherever I sat I always looked at myself Always It was ridiculous. I’d sit there taking a shit and I’d see myself. You know? Because we demolished all the walls We wanted to have more space I don’t know On top of that about three years ago I started drinking wine. Only wine Because I’m a grown-up self-contained man with a great taste Yes. The main reason was – I thought I’d stop getting drunk It doesn’t work. At all I get drunk more often now It’s true. Wine is… You know how they say – every alcoholic starts with wine Because, has anyone ever managed to open a bottle one night, have a glass and go to bed? No. You drink everything Every single drop You put your finger in in search of some more You even add water I always went for the second one. Each time And then I gave up, and now I always have two bottles of wine at home. Always I always get drunk. Not a single time did I put a glass in the sink after a party and not break it That’s how bad it gets I drink wine from a mug now Now every wine I drink is called “Capricorn” It’s dumb to only drink wine Because I used to have a particular drink for every occasion Roughly speaking, I had whiskey when I went to a club When I went to a picnic with friends I had vodka At home I had beer while watching football And now I always drink wine. And it’s dumb Because I sit at home, naked, watching football. And I’m holding a huge glass And I go: “What kind of a kick is that?” But at least I know how I’ll die Yeah I’ll get drunk on wine and at some point fall out of the window thinking I’ve got a two-bedroom flat Yep. By the way, this joke made me think: if I die, who’s gonna inherit my fortune? I mean, I’m rich I came to the conclusion that it’s gonna go to my brother And his wife That’s why I don’t really trust them But we’re good, I’ve got a great relationship with my brother It’s wonderful You’ll be jealous of such a relationship I never thought I would love my brother this much But every time I visit them, and his wife goes: “Want some tea?” I say: “Oksana, fuck it, I’ve got my own flask.” I don’t need this fucking game of thrones Actually, I often think about suicide It’s true Are there people in the audience who think about suicide? There are! Five thousand people, and everyone is like: “Nah, nah, nah”? Well, at least the married ones, right? I think family people think about suicide at least once a week Once a week, when you’re fighting with your wife, and she goes: “My mother warned me!” You’d have ended this long ago if you didn’t live on the second floor But really, every fight with a woman starts after you tell her the truth I came to the conclusion that you can’t tell women the truth And it’s weird, because you, women, demand to know the truth! Every woman always says: “Tell me the truth! Tell me the truth, no matter how ugly it is.” And you take the bait, you start thinking: “Maybe she is sane… Maybe things will change starting today?” And then you tell her the truth, and she goes: “Aaa! Why? Why?” Each time during a fight women take out their big book of accusations… I mean, how can we win an argument? You accuse us of something that happened in the previous life I’m stupefied I can remember something that happened two days ago at most But she goes: “So in 2007… It was a beautiful Indian Summer, and we didn’t go to the park.” I cannot argue with you, I just can’t, I give up. Seriously I can’t argue with women Because a man presents facts And you, ladies, present emotions. Emotions And it’s impossible to prove that you’re right to the person
who “loves you with all their heart” All the facts crash into the rocks And women always cry during fights Fucking cry It’s impossible to look at a crying person and try to prove something And you go: “Okay, okay, come on, stop it.” I feel like the world would have declared that Crimea is ours a long time ago… If Lavrov had cried in the UN. You know? If he had cried: “It’s ours! It’s ours! It’s ours! Ours!” They’d be like: “Okay, fine, whatever, Crimea is yours, Alaska is yours, just go fuck yourselves.” Anyway, I think about suicide I don’t want to, but I still think about it This happens sometimes, I don’t know why Sometimes I drive in my car, at 180km/h, and suddenly I think: “If I just spin the wheel like this… And that’s it.” But I realized I’d survive ‘Cause I’ve got a BMW One can survive in a BMW It’s not that easy to kill yourself when you’ve got a BMW, you know But when you’ve got a LADA Kalina, then yes. 180 km/h… And I thought, everyone hates LADA Kalina Well, any car is good, you know? Depends on what you use it for I actually realized that LADA Kalina is our import substitution of the Western euthanasia Seriously. It’s a lot cheaper I googled it, and in the Netherlands euthanasia costs 10 000 euros You can buy LADA Kalina for 500 euro. Right? You take a person who doesn’t wanna live, put him inside, write on the back window: “Akhmat is not power”… In 15 minutes they’ll be dead Alright. Undoubtedly, Akhmat is power Unconditionally In fact, if this concert airs, I’ll show all of your faces So, for the sake of all of us, Akhmat is… Power! Alright, I hope that will be enough So I came to the conclusion that in suicide you need to be absolutely sure. 100% sure If I ever get to that point, I’ll climb a tower in Moscow City Seriously I think that’s what it’s built for I don’t understand those people who jump from the fifth floor There’s no guarantee Can you imagine? You fall, and you survive You don’t wanna live, and now you’re immobilized And you lie in the hospital And your family’s like: ”Thank God you survived!” “Go fuck yourselves.” I was thinking, thank God Stephen Hawking died I know it’s a controversial opinion, but I’m glad he’s dead First of all, he lived a long life He was 76 when he died He lived 50 years longer than they expected He was 22 when he got this disease, they told him he had 2 years maximum, and he lived for 50 more And he couldn’t even move all those years Can you imagine? He couldn’t move at all At first he could move his right index finger, he got hooked to a computer He moved his finger and the computer sort of translated those movements into words And later his finger stopped moving, too And they hooked the computer to a muscle in his cheek And we are still sure that it was his words that the computer generated I mean, what if someone was using him? Used him to popularize astrophysics, to receive billions of dollars for the exploration of the Universe What if all those 50 years he was sitting in his chair saying: “Just fucking kill me! Please kill me!”? And the computer was like: “Black holes. They exist.” – “No! No!” Okay, let’s get down to the personal stuff Look, I realized I really don’t want to get old. I’m turning 40 this year I really don’t want to get old I realized I’m now at the same age as those men from the impotence ads. You know? The ones that go: “Didn’t make it Too late. Not today.” No, look, I’m fine, I get hard No problem. But only for now But this morning everything was great I don’t know what’ll happen tomorrow I mean, I’m going on a tour On September 29, in Crocus, this joke sounded like that But in October, in Voronezh, who knows? Maybe it’ll have a different ending My body’s starting to let me down Mentally, morally, I’m great
But my body’s letting me down Really. I get tired all the time Do you ever feel that? Always feeling tired You do nothing all day, and in the evening you’re like: “I’m tired.” This Summer I had a 2-week vacation in Portugal and I was tired by the end of it It’s terrible. I’ve started to forget words It’s true, I think I’ve got the early stage of Alzheimer’s Have you ever had this? When you’re talking to your friend, and you go: “Well… That one…you know! That word!” – “Which one?” – “That one!” – “A hand?” – “Yes! Fuck, yes!” Probably it’s because I fucking smoke like a chimney It’s the truth I know it’s bad, but… I just can’t quit I can’t Because I was taught really hard to smoke You know? Really hard When I started smoking, everything around me was smoking My dad was smoking, people outside were smoking, on tv, in the movies, they were even smoking on the radio and I could hear that Everything around me was smoking My dad smoked in our apartment We had a three-bedroom apartment with three balconies And he smoked right in the fucking bathroom Right there Didn’t even shut the door, he would just sit there, taking a shit and smoking Maybe he didn’t trust us, like: “Where are you going without me?” There was so much smoke in our apartment, Pugacheva could’ve filmed the video to the song “Iceberg” in there It was normal The whole world was smoking All the manly brutal stereotypes were associated with smoking Like, getting up in the morning and having a coffee with a cigarette, that was cool In the morning, coming out to the balcony, naked, throwing out the butt: “Oh, I hit the trash can, make a wish!” After having sex with a woman, sitting back, having a smoke… It was cool, that’s what I’m saying That’s why I don’t understand this sudden fight against smoking You know, they go: “Smoking not allowed!” – “Where can I go?” – “Not allowed!!” They banned smoking on the balcony On the balcony! Where do you want us to smoke? In the bathroom? With a bag over the head? I’m against smoking, well then teach them not to do it, create new manly stereotypes. Right? Come on Ones that are associated with fucking vegetables So that it would be cool to wake up in the morning and drink coffee from an eggplant Or to go naked to the balcony and eat melon: “Yum, yum, yum! Oh cool, I hit a smoker! Make a wish!” And after having sex with a woman, you sit back and eat an apple She’s like: “Leave me a bite”, and you’re like: “Why don’t you take your own apple? Even cops don’t take the last one.” Clap your hands if you don’t smoke Oh! Cool. It’s very cool, you have no idea how lucky you are Don’t you dare start I’m begging you. It’s a clusterfuck Smoking is very bad. Don’t you dare start, just live your beautiful life It’s unhealthy Clap your hands if you do smoke This joke is 2 years old, and each year there are less and less of you And you, don’t you dare quit! Alright? It’ll be our social protest against all these healthy fuckers! Come on: “Me, you, bad habits, yay!” Those healthy people, they’re awful Healthy lifestyle So you want a long life? How long, exactly? 200 years? What kind of life is that? 200 years, and all this time Putin’s the president We’re all gonna die. All of us Ironically, I’ll also be the one to hit you by a car Healthy people I don’t like them, especially those who go: “Everything should be eggplant Everything should be eggplant! I eat eggplants, I drink eggplants, I sit on eggplants Because the blood vessels absorb it quickly, all the healthy goodness.” I don’t know I dream of a dead person being found, who died because he had eggplants in all his orifices The police would come and say: “Ohh, well that’s clear Died from a healthy lifestyle.” Smoking is bad. I’m afraid of quitting All right? You know why? I’m afraid I’m gonna quit, and nothing will change So all of this was not because of smoking So now I’m a fan of healthy lifestyle too It’s funny I’ve been badmouthing it for 5 years, and now I’m a fan But see, I decided to neutralize smoking with healthy lifestyle You know? I smoke, but I don’t eat sugar Pork is bad, now I only eat rice Healthy food Is there anyone here who eats healthy? Yes? Healthy food. Fuck it’s outrageous
It’s just so… Man… Healthy food is the nastiest food in the world Why can’t fried chicken be healthy? Why rice? Just, boiled rice Yep. Boiled. No salt. Yeah So that’s what you taste like Just rice. Turns out, you suck What’s the second course? Fucking broccoli! Can I have some more rice? Broccoli… Does anyone like broccoli? It’s impossible to swallow! I ate broccoli once, I said to my friend: “Push it into my mouth, I can’t swallow it. It needs a push.” Broccoli… What else did nature create? Have you noticed that broccoli is just small trees? Like a dinosaur What about that fucked up myth about celery juice having a good influence on potency? It does have an influence, it does But it also influences your mimics When you drink it and for the rest of the day you look like this Who’s gonna fuck a person with such a face? Who? Even if you have a massive boner Please, ma’am. In the name of Jesus… Sitting near a church My body is letting me down Now I have to flex my abs in order to take a pee I was flexing at the gym and fucking peed myself See? Now I need to go to the gym all the time. Forever I’ve only just realized I’m gonna need to go to the gym for the rest of my life Forever! Like, you’ll die on Thursday, but on Wednesday you have to go to the gym Or maybe on Thursday, I don’t know your schedule But I’m really going to go to the gym regularly, because I’ve seen a man in the gym, I looked at him and thought: “Fuck that, I’m not quitting.” It was a man in his fifties and he had a huge belly He came there to get rid of it Silly man He didn’t know it was too late for that I don’t go there to get fit, I go there to keep what I have. You know? So yeah, I looked at that man, he was doing crunches, and the sounds he was making… If I ever make sounds like that, shoot me from a shotgun, please He was doing crunches and it sounded like this: And that was just him laying down on the mat My body is letting me down The other day I looked at myself naked, and I was shocked All the guys around 40 understand me I was shocked My dick looks like a war veteran What the hell is this? Wounds, scars… Some lumps… Leaning on the left… All in all, when I masturbate these days, it’s not for pleasure, it’s more like CPR Live! Live, you fucker! I don’t know, it’s awful It shriveled as if it had fought in Mongolia. It its hoodie It would look good with a cigarette It’d be like: “I’ve had my ups and downs Sometimes I fucked. Sometimes I didn’t This one time I hadn’t fucked for 3 months…
And then I fucked and I thought: “Man, shouldn’t have done that.”” I don’t want sex. Seriously. I don’t feel like it. At all. It’s all in the head The dick gets hard, but my mind… I just don’t want it I feel like sex is in the past. You know? All that happens in bed with less than three people – I don’t feel like it Don’t even try to pm me, it’s pointless. I don’t know Because it’s not easy, I’m not 20 anymore, I’m 40. I already know everything ‘Cause you can’t just have sex with a woman right away You have to go somewhere Watch some movies Go to dinner. Then go home Have some wine. Talk to her At some point you look at the watch, and it’s 3 am. Well fuck that! Went to the gym in the morning It was all futile I keep looking for new challenges, new hobbies And they’re all disappointing, too, because any hobby you find – there’s always someone better than you All the youngsters There are always some young people who are better than you. Always I’ve started doing surfing Well, I mean I’ve been trying to master it for three years. And those young fuckers… I pray each time before walking into the ocean, and they just sit there like bobbers You know? None of them are drowning, they’re crashing into each other… If someone gets eaten by a shark, it spits them out and they manage to catch a wave afterwards Fuckers. Skiing I’m good at skiing, I really am. You know? I’m skiing down the hill thinking: “Now this is speed!” And some 12-year-old fucker passes me… Hey, bitch, what’s the hurry? I’ve been doing sex… Oh fuck Forgot my line, you see? I hope you weren’t just acting all this time, like: “Oh well, let’s just ignore it”? Was I saying everything right? I’ve been surfing for three years, a friend of mine got me hooked Three years ago, she said: “Ruslan, you’re too grumpy, too angry There’s a lot of darkness in your soul You need to start surfing, it liberates you When you’re in the ocean with your board, you don’t think about anything Your mind becomes one with the ocean It purifies your soul.” She was saying something else, but I just left I don’t really understand people like her But I can confirm, it’s actually true Surfing really helps, it helps a lot, helps you unload your brain Because when you’re surfing you’re not thinking about anything It’s true, your mind is empty Because you’re always fucking drowning When you’re a beginner, you’re always drowning. All the time I remember, one day I actually drowned, I’m not kidding I was crying out my will My instructor came up to me, knee-deep in water He said: “Are you a retard? Get the fuck up.” And these surfers, they look so chill, right? You gotta admit, they’re like: That’s them being in a hurry They’re marvelous. If Jesus saw one he’d say “Are you the son of God? I’m the surfer, and you’re the son of God” And it’s a shame Because you’re getting ready for vacation, working out in the gym for six months, then you look in the mirror and you’re like: “I’m in great shape!” You come to the beach, see a surfer and you’re like: “Fuck, I’m Pugacheva. It’s terrible.” And they’ve got this amazing long curly blond hair I’ve always wondered: why do they need such long hair in 2019? I asked my instructor, and he opened my eyes, he said that there are two reasons The first one is aesthetical, long hair protects you from sunlight And it makes sense, it’s always very sunny at the ocean beach, so they cover their ears, necks and so on And the second reason is practical By long hair they identify professionals and amateurs when they’re swimming Like, professional surfers come up beautifully You know, like women at photoshoots, like: “Fuck yeah.” And the amateurs go like this: And so I thought. Maybe I’m a bad person, but if I ever catch the magical goldfish, my first two wishes will be selfish But my third wish will be: every time somewhere in the world a professional surfer comes up from under the water he’ll press his face against an imaginary dick
“Oh, shit…” Because you shouldn’t be this cool! It’s unfair! Be humbler when you come up, okay? Stick your arm out first And there I am with my war veteran With a cigarette I don’t know, man… I guess I need a woman, yeah? A steady relationship But there are a lot of issues with women, too You always accuse us of wanting to bang other women “Why do you talk to other chicks? Who are you texting? Why are you looking at her?” I’ll tell you a secret, I’ll be honest with you. We don’t know We do not know We don’t know why we want other women No one wants them logically No man would ever logically want another woman if he’s already got one He’s not stupid, he knows: “I’ve worked so hard on this relationship And now I’ll have to give up half of everything? Fuck no.” It’s not us, it’s him It gets up, and you’re like: “No, no! ” Women, how do you do it? Tell us how you do it. Share your wisdom Let’s create some kind of vaccination out of your hormones And men will get it done right at the wedding “Do you take her?” – “I do ” And they just stick it in his eye Mantoux test leaves a spot, right? It’ll be the same with a letter “W” for “Wife”. All over the face I seriously think that the dick comes from another planet No, I’m serious. It’s not from this planet It flew over here, like in sci-fi movies, on a meteorite. Totally I think millions of years ago people didn’t have genitals. At all They were like Barbie and Ken And everyone was happy, taking a stroll in the park, having small talk, hugging Then a meteorite came, and brought this shit with it It exploded somewhere in Africa And the dick started crawling It found some guy in the jungle and was like: And the guy’s eyes rolled back, and he was like: “I need to fuck someone Some human.” There is movie called “Alien”, this one will be called “Human” Okay, women, your pussy is also not from this planet It also flew here with a meteorite and started crawling If you want to, I’ll tell you the most romantic story in the world Listen up Dick and vagina used to be one and the same And that was love. You see? It used to float somewhere in space, all around the Universe. Everyone was happy And then they crashed on this Earth During the crash they got separated and flew in different directions And now they walk the Earth looking for each other Anyway The last three years were difficult for me My dad died, and I was depressed because of it And I mean real depression. You know? Not the one where you sit with hot cocoa at the window and post stories about rain Real depression. I finally learned what it is, started taking it seriously I used to be a jerk about other people’s depression Like when a friend would tell me she’s depressed, I’d say: “Hey! Don’t be depressed! ” A Medvedev type of advice Depression is a disease, it’s high time we admitted that I mean, take a closer look at your friends If there is a person with depression among them, be gentle with them, they need your support, it really is a hard state It’s easy to love a healthy person You know? Anyway, my father died. And it turned out I had had a strong connection with him, although I would never think that Because while he was here and while I was young, I was very egotistical in my relationship with my parents. I’m sure many people are Like: “I’m so young, and you’re old, you don’t understand me!” And I visited them like once a year and stayed for only a day And then he died, and I felt this emptiness inside me, and it turned out a hard thing to bear Because he was a person who was always sincerely happy for me And he was just a very good person overall He was great He was a great husband, a great father He was a good person loved by many people That’s why I was thinking, especially for the people in the audience who have children, we’re all gonna die sooner or later But to make it easier for your family and, especially,
your kids to get over your death, no matter how good of a person you are… Before you die, do something dumb You know? To make it easier for your kids Easier to let go. So six months before you die, start doing something stupid Jerk off around the apartment randomly, bumping into your daughter Come up to your son and tell him: “No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be better than your big brother.” “What big brother?” – “Sebastian.” Right before you die, tell them: “All this time we’ve been ridiculously rich, but I squandered it all on casino and sluts.” I’m telling you, everyone will be wearing colors at your funeral It’s all for the sake of your children, so that they don’t suffer this much We’ve got famous examples. Michael Jackson Well, we don’t feel sorry for him now, do we? Nobody feels sad after all those stories About him molesting those two kids It’s terrible. Terrible, but.. all for us Michael truly loved us You know? He just loved those boys a little more Anyway, I was depressed. On top of it all, I broke up with my girlfriend And I got so overwhelmed, really, so overwhelmed… That at some point I actually started reading Esenin’s poetry You know? In all seriousness I’d been reading them for a month and then was like: “Serega has always been in my heart.” I went fucking nuts, I’m serious It was a hard time for me And my friend, my director, he saw the state I was in and said: “Rus, I can see you’re suffering Let’s go visit Esenin.” I said: “Leha, I’m not suffering hard enough to go up there.” He said: “No, I mean his family estate here, in Ryazan region, it’s called Konstantinovo, let’s go there Especially since it’s almost October 3 His Birthday. Let’s go.” I said: “Great! Let’s go ” He said: “All right! October 3 is Sunday, we’ll go in the morning and return in the evening.” I said: “What do you mean by return?” He said: “Well, we’ll stay there for a day and come back home.” I said: “No, we’ll stay overnight.” He said: “Rus, I’ve been there, there’s nothing to do there for so long.” And I said: “Leha. This is Sergei We will stay for the night.” So anyway, we started looking for a place to stay And it’s true that there is nothing there, no hotels or inns, nothing at all We barely managed to find some place where the owner rents out rooms At the last moment we booked one room And only later did we realize what it looked like Two men, from Moscow, booked a room on Esenin’s birthday In a village where nobody stays overnight So anyway. We went there. When we arrived, he called the owner and said that we’re there, she said: “Look for the blue fence, come to the gate, I’ll meet you there.” We found the fence, came up to the gate, there was a woman waiting for us, in a robe, with messy hair, smoking a cigarette We’re like: “Hi, we rented a room here.” And she’s like: “I’m not the owner.” I wanted to add: “Of your fate?”, but oh well We’re like: “Okay. Who are you then?” She goes: “The thing is, I rented a room here, too, my name is Anna Stepanovna, I’m 75 I dedicated my whole life to Sergei Esenin I’m a literary critic from a literary university, from a literary department, from a literary town… From a literary region I wrote 14 000 volumes about Sergei Esenin I also wrote my own books. Here they are ” She took them out of her robe, I swear Anyway, we got it, and on top of that later we found two cans of Baltika-9 in the trash can, so… Anna Stepanovna was that kind of a woman Each time she saw us during the day she went: “Ohh, my boys.” And we’d go: “No, no, no.” So yeah, we explored the village It’s really cool, by the way, I encourage you to go there, especially since October 3 is around the corner It’s a really great place It’s not far from Moscow And it’s really cool, because you arrive and you realize why Esenin was a genius Because it’s an ordinary village There’s nothing there Two streets, a church, a parish school, and that’s it. Nothing else I don’t understand how he could become such a great poet if he grew up there He really was a genius, blessed by God Because I came into his house and saw a tiny bed, and I was like: “Did he sleep in a sitting position? What is this?” But I also understand why he wrote about nature so much It’s a beautiful place It’s the bend of the river Oka And October 3, it’s the golden Autumn There are many maples, bright leaves on the ground, women going crazy, dancing around, men Instagramming everything… So yeah, it’s amazing And we arrived and had a great day there, went to a couple of tours, took photos and so on And in the evening, just like my friend had said, it got dark and everyone left. Everyone It’s the outskirts of a village A dog went: “Auu!” and left, too
But we didn’t want to sleep at 5pm Thankfully, there was a restaurant there, so we went to the restaurant And the staff there knows that everyone’s gone So we’re coming in, and the staff is coming out And we’re just standing there We can see that they’re leaving We’re like: “We swear we’re gonna spend 20 000.” And they’re like: “Put that in writing.” So yeah, we stayed, and the restaurant was also really cool, we ordered vodka, pickles, appetizers A wonderful patio, it was a little cold, so we covered ourselves with blankets And we’re sitting there, drinking And the view is beautiful There’s a huge portrait of Esenin It’s luminated, right on the riverbank Basically, after a couple of glasses, you feel like you’re drinking with Esenin Seriously You’re sitting there like: “Serega! Serega!” We would get up, come up to the portrait, do the toast and come back I don’t believe in supernatural, but I’m not lying We got so drunk that at a certain point we were pouring more vodka, raising our glasses, looking over at Esenin… And he winked at us I swear to God And I think he said: “There’s nothing to do here.” And I’m sorry for being blunt, but, of course, we started googling whores Of course Two depressed men at 6pm, I mean, come on! We put that in writing And, since it is village Konstantinovo, there’s nobody there. No people at all I swear to you, it was the first time in my life I had to google prostitutes in Yeandex Navigator It was terrifying In the end, we found a bathhouse, called a taxi The navigator showed us it was a 15-minute ride And we’d been riding for 40 minutes… And we ask the driver: “Where are we going?” And he’s like: “To Ryazan.” We’re like: “What? Why Ryazan?” He says: “The bathhouse is in Ryazan.” We’re like, okay. So we came to the bathhouse, bought some more vodka And we started looking for prostitutes in Ryazan And, as any two drunk men would do, at first we typed in: “The best… Elite… No shorter than 180 cm Beautiful women in Ryazan.” No results Anyway, we called some girl, she arrived, she was even kind of good, I think And it’s not a dirty story. It’s not dirty First of all, there was no sex, we were way too drunk In fact, it’s a romantic story Because I realized that sometimes prostitutes get all the love in this world Because I swear, it’s an honest to God truth… That night, two quite decent men, were standing naked on top of chairs and reading Esenin’s poetry to a prostitute And she said: “I’m extending your session.” Thank you so much, Crocus! It was amazing! I really liked it here! Thank you for coming! I appreciate it! Have a great night! Goodbye!